This morning- as I sat on the floor of the shower (I often do this as a form of meditation in the morning), I had a brief moment of clarity in thought.
I don't often realize how muddled my thoughts can be, how dissorganized and dissheveled until I have a rare occasion of clarity... it's almost a spiritual event for me (as silly as that may seem) that I can focus on just ONE thing for even a few seconds!
It's a painful blow to my self-esteem, to know what I've been missing. But at the same time it gives me something to strive for.
__________
(April 13, 2011)
Make me whole again
Somehow I wonder- what’s led me here?
At 6am I sit in the car,
Good intentions- meaningful words,
All worthless when seen from a distance,
Each drop of rain gathers collectively,
Becoming one… cold and unstable,
But unable to be stopped!
Raising my face to the sky,
I close my eyes and ask for God,
In some significant gesture,
But I’ve become just like the rain.
"Please... make me whole again."
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(April 12, 2011)
the man who planted trees pt.1
__________
the man who planted trees pt.2
__________
the man who planted trees pt.3
__________
the man who planted trees pt.4
__________
Small Mountain
__________
(April 06, 2011)
Immolate
In a dream- I see her dance,
Though motion blurs the vision,
A simple room- no door and key-
To open from within,
Quietly I sit and stare,
I cannot help but wanting,
Linen white residing there-
Upon her velvet skin.
Burn away in fires wrath,
And rise up with the wind.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
The woman by the river
"Do you hear them wailing, sister?
They are hostage to a spell!
'Twas the woman by the river,
Through the golden fields of rye,
Do you think the town will miss her-
If we speed her trip to Hell?
Fairest woman by the river!
Ravens hair and hazel eye!
Does she hate the bakers daughters?
Can she hear the townies cry?
Let her fall in darkest waters,
Next to golden fields of rye,
Lest another person totter,
she will be the next to die!"
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.
- Aaron Weiss
__________
(April 05, 2011)
The mortal bond
The blade of grass,
The whipping reed,
The burning sun,
And biting wind,
Whose beauty I could never see,
They torture me,
They set me free,
From mortal bonds of sin.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(April 04, 2011)
Nice beard!
William Fitzsimmons and I
__________
Sever Together Pt.2
In a “fond but distant memory”
Her hand was held in mine,
Two start in solidarity
But gradually decline,
Each bone was broken- one by one
Each piece- more cruel than kind,
Would fall where steps of ours were laid
“In syncopated time”.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
Sever Together
In peaceful repose
Of coming to blows,
They lay on the hill
Where nobody knows,
Some sort of surmise
With tears in their eyes,
Would stitch all the hurt
And bandage the lies,
He wasn’t as strong
As thought all along,
Though he held his ground
To right what was wrong,
Some woeful mistake
His gift was to take,
A sorry goodbye
And watch her heart break.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(March 24, 2011)
In the end
September breeze- caress my body,
Falling glance- without a sound,
Hold me- in the arms of evening,
Cradled- in the warmth I’ve found,
In the twilight- all is stillness,
Cold and blue- the sun goes down,
Sing to me- in whispered solace,
Bury me- beneath the ground.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(March 22, 2011)
On a beach
Everyday would pave the way for endless nights and dancing,
And every night will fire our minds and liberate our souls,
A home from home,
A place where we can go and still be free,
There’s nothing like you and me,
On a beach,
Moving with the waves of the sea.
__________
(March 16, 2011)
"Dying is strange and hard"
Often times people seem to judge others based on the direct results of their actions ... this makes sense because results are somewhat a 'summary' of one’s actions, but at the same time it's a great injustice to many because of how our actions can be influenced, interrupted... even inhibited by outside influences beyond our control.
It seems unfair but understandable. I- for example- suffer from great anxiety, adult A.D.D. (yes, it has finally been diagnosed), depression, and quite a few other very debilitating ailments... some people have expressed that I seem to be "lazy" because of my lack of action in certain areas, others have had a good laugh at my expense because of my inability to focus, some think that I am not trying hard enough to be a spiritual person when in actuality my shyness makes it extremely hard for me to do anything openly and my low self esteem causes me to hide anything good I do from others because I feel unworthy all the time and don't like attention.
The great discouragement for me lies in the fact that I try harder than most people with MANY things, it's a constant struggle, and yet based on results alone I have gained my reputation- nobody knows the real inner self of Benjamin, it's hard sometimes not to just give up.
__________
Ready to fall
__________
(March 13, 2011)
We perhaps never detect how much of our social demeanour is made up of artificial airs, until we see a person who is at once beautiful and simple.
__________
(March 05, 2011)
J'aime Ce Jeu!
__________
Pull me out alive
__________
(March 03, 2011)
Lonely, Still
An opaque veil lay o’er eyes
As dark as moonless night,
A misty shroud upon the brow
To bend and blur the light,
A tangled web of curly lock
Upon skin- fair and white
Within- a thought as lonely, still
As ‘tween what’s wrong and right.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(March 02, 2011)
No need for understanding.
__________
The trouble is to go on
They talk of the heroism of dying - they little know - it would be so easy to die, a dose of morphia, a friendly crevasse, and blissful sleep. The trouble is to go on...
- Apsley Cherry-Garrard
__________
The comeback
A seed lay dormant ‘neath the ground
In soil neither kept nor tilled,
A summer past the only sound
The windswept dust upon the field,
She couldn’t dream of life kept hiding
Under fallen leaf and snow,
Surly nothing here residing
Could survive the bitter cold,
Hope had faded by the hour
Thought had turned to other things,
Behold! A single sprouting flower
Resurrected by the Spring.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
Leaves' Eyes
__________
(February 12, 2011)
Call the search in.
This one always makes me cry.
__________
Nice and blue
Then I saw a mountain and I saw a city
Steadily sinking but suspiciously calm
It wasn't an end, it wasn't a beginning
But a ceaseless stumbling on
there, strapped like a watch on my wrist
that's finished with gold but can't tell time!
was all or what little pleasure exists
Seductive sold and useless mine
- Aaron Weiss
__________
<3 Juana!
She is a musical genius ^_^
__________
(January 30, 2011)
Epic...
When I'd originally decided to get a pet rabbit it was sheerly out of "cuteness factor", I was looking at dwarf bunnies online and said to myself "Hey! What really is stopping me from getting a pet? So I got one! After I got him I worried a lot- whether he would get sick, or hurt himself jumping off the couch and whatnot... but over time I learned to not worry and just let him do what he does best (be a bunny!). Not only has he been a bundle of joy, but he's helped take my mind off of the bigger anxieties in my life and given me something to look forward to when I'm having a bad day, thank you Hoppingtons!
__________
(January 19, 2011)
4am
I guess I'm just in a "chill" sort of mood today ^_^ Enjoy.
__________
prepare to relax!
Step 1: Make a cup of your favorite tea
Step 2: Visit www.rainymood.com
Step 3: Listen to "I Remember" by Kaskade feat. Deadmau5 AND
Step 4: Play 'Rainy Mood' at the same time
Step 5: Relax.
__________
(January 18, 2011)
The Strange Lady
The summer morn is bright and fresh, the birds are darting by,
As if they loved to breast the breeze that sweeps the cool dear sky;
Young Albert, in the forest`s edge, has heard a rustling sound
An arrow slightly strikes his hand and falls upon the ground.
A lovely woman from the wood comes suddenly in sight;
Her merry eye is full and black, her cheek is brown and bright;
She wears a tunic of the blue, her belt with beads is strung,
And yet she speaks in gentle tones, and in the English tongue.
"It was an idle bolt I sent, against the villain crow;
Fair sir, I fear it harmed thy hand; beshrew my erring bow!"
"Ah! would that bolt had not been spent, then, lady, might I wear
A lasting token on my hand of one so passing fair!"
"Thou art a flatterer like the rest, but wouldst thou take with me
A day of hunting in the wilds, beneath the greenwood tree,
I know where most the pheasants feed, and where the red-deer herd,
And thou shouldst chase the nobler game, and I bring down the bird."
Now Albert in her quiver lays the arrow in its place,
And wonders as he gazes on the beauty of her face:
`Those hunting-grounds are far away, and, lady, `twere not meet
That night, amid the wilderness, should overtake thy feet."
"Heed not the night, a summer lodge amid the wild is mine,
`Tis shadowed by the tulip-tree, `tis mantled by the vine;
The wild plum sheds its yellow fruit from fragrant thickets nigh,
And flowery prairies from the door stretch till they meet the sky.
"There in the boughs that hide the roof the mock-bird sits and sings,
And there the hang-bird`s brood within its little hammock swings;
A pebbly brook, where rustling winds among the hopples sweep,
Shall lull thee till the morning sun looks in upon thy sleep."
Away, into the forest depths by pleasant paths they go,
He with his rifle on his arm, the lady with her bow,
Where cornels arch their cool dark boughs o`er beds of wintergreen,
And never at his father`s door again was Albert seen.
That night upon the woods came down a furious hurricane,
With howl of winds and roar of streams and beating of the rain;
The mighty thunder broke and drowned the noises in its crash;
The old trees seemed to fight like fiends beneath the lightning-flash.
Next day, within a mossy glen, mid mouldering trunks were found
The fragments of a human form, upon the bloody ground;
White bones from which the flesh was torn, and locks of glossy hair;
They laid them in the place of graves, yet wist not whose they were.
And whether famished evening wolves had mangled Albert so,
Or that strange dame so gay and fair were some mysterious foe,
Or whether to that forest lodge, beyond the mountains blue,
He went to dwell with her, the friends who mourned him never knew.
- William Cullen Bryant
__________
(January 16, 2011)
The viking raid
The heavy weight of sorrow
Drew their eyes still further down
Upon the hill the bodies lay
On desecrated ground
And in the distance- Viking calls
As boats sail from the bay
The clouds of smoke from burning homes
Now darkening the day
For everything they once had owned
Was taken in the night
A woman’s crying fills the air
At early morning light.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(January 11, 2011)
Don't worry if I write rhymes- I write checks!
I was going to have a whole female punk / electronic montage but I think Uffie deserves a post of her own.
Difficult | A.D.D. S.U.V.
__________
(January 07, 2011)
On A Good Day
__________
(January 06, 2011)
Roots
I wept ‘til tears gave way to prayer,
My life- lay bare- and like a husk,
The darkness shed- t'was torn away,
A kernel fell at break of day,
The imperfection- rot or rust,
Became the life-breath to the dust,
The seed then grew- to start anew,
A life un-swayed- with deeper root,
Where tears- like rain- would keep it clean,
No violent sway- unsteady lean,
Would deviate it from the truth,
And it- content- would there remain.
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
Hello! (:
__________
Being green
__________
(December 31, 2010)
All the things I was on the inside.
__________
(December 24, 2010)
Sometimes music carries no meaning...
And sometimes it means something.
"Green green youth
What about the sweetness we knew?
What about what's good what's true
From those days?
Can't count to
All the lovers I've burned through,
So why do I still burn for you?
I can't say."
__________
(December 23, 2010)
Smile
__________
(December 19, 2010)
AM I MINIMAL YET?
I've come to the conclusion that less "stuff" means less distractions and that I will be happier and able to focus on what's really important in my life. I've also been much braver than ever before lately... I realize that I need to face fears to make them go away, that avoiding only "rewards" my mind with the comfort of knowing I can BE... comfortable! But at what price? To live and rot within the confines of a safe, comfortably padded and warm cocoon... never to spread my wings and be able to look down upon the world from a higher place?
I've eliminated about 12 (that seems to be a reoccurring number lately!) full trash bags of clutter from my life, 4 have been clothes, toys, shoes, older suits, hats, books, etc... that I've donated to charity... the rest has been rubbish!
I've also been reading a lot of articles by Steve Pavlina, Timothy Ferris & Everett Bogue for inspiration on reclaiming my life, accomplishing something of worth and becoming... minimalist.
__________
__________
(December 14, 2010)
Things are going very well lately, I feel like I'm making slow progress... but progress none-the-less! Therapy isn't amazing or life changing like I'd hoped but it gives me someone to vent to and the occasional tidbit of wisdom. I've been coming to understand myself better than ever, and I'm seeing the cause of many of my problems and not just the symptoms (which are all I used to see)- and the overwhelming mountain of things I've wanted to change about myself seems to be crumbling... as I change one thing I notice how it ties into the next. I've come to see my being as a whole... to be improved upon, not as a pile of individual parts that are all broken.
I've been de-cluttering and consolidating my things, getting rid of years of unwanted junk... in the process I've gone through about 12 full notebooks of poetry and songs that I'd partially written, discarded the not-so-good stuff and kept the ones I liked. I'll be posting some of it on here soon.
__________
(December 08, 2010)
Doubt
To dance upon the edge of doubt,
Must I fall within and melt
To understand just what it was
My badly broken heart had felt?
- Benjamin Pulowski
__________
(December 07, 2010)
Thank you Casey
__________
(December 05, 2010)
Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.
As we melt let's make no noise
oh the profanation of our love
to tell the world our passing joys!
And we, besides, care less to miss
our eyes and lips and hands.
(but honey, I'm not who you think I am!)
And so you'll be to me
who must obliquely run
"thy firmness makes my circle just,
and makes me end where I begun"
There's nothing wrong
as I'll be somewhere singing all along.
(no! tell me, where have you gone, my love.)
- Aaron Weiss
__________
(November 10, 2010)
Decades wasted
Saosin - Voices || Dead Poetic - Glass in the Trees
__________
(November 05, 2010)
Will we last through the winter?
__________
(October 27, 2010)
The Path to Decay
Those of you that know the depth and breadth of my music tastes would know I have an affinity for female fronted synth metal (a guilty pleasure of mine). I present to you "The Path to Decay" by Sirenia
__________
(October 25, 2010)
Feel [Passive Aggressive]
I just got my cd in the post and it was signed "To Benjamin with Love, Nicola" :) That just makes me smile.
Need a word to be forgiving,
Need a hand to take you down to size,
You're there with the world on your shoulders,
Bedded down- you know it's a lie,
Feel how I feel,
Hard to live in your confines,
Hard to give when everything's untied,
Hard to know the thoughts that you keep,
Underneath all that rhetoric,
Feel how I feel,
You know how I feel.
- Nicola Hitchcock
__________
(October 18, 2010)
Cinephile feeds my dark side.
__________
(October 16, 2010)
180° South
This was a truly inspiring documentary, one of the best that I have seen in many years. I highly recommend it.
__________
I want you to know,
There are still beautiful, untouched places in this world- and some of them are inside of you.
__________
(October 15, 2010)
I'm a liar.
__________
(October 14, 2010)
I've made it this far...
After some thought I feel it is finally time for me to make a change... and now, after everything I've been through, I have gained the strength again for the effort. It is within my power to change my life for the better, why should I sit idle and watch my health, my intelligence, my faith pass by me with an ever quickening pace?
After doing research on Dr. Max Gerson and his form of therapy for cancer (and other terminal) patients, I have made the resolve to practice what I'd already known was an enriching way of life.
Soon I will be changing my diet to Vegan, I will not be a "true" Vegan because I do intend on using animal products in clothing and such, I am doing the diet change strictly for health and energy.
I will be completely eliminating processed foods from my diet, and will cut back dramatically on refined sugars and sodium.
I am going to start an exercise routine with the gym membership that I have (but rarely use).
And there is a very good chance that I will be leaving Sign Language and joining a Mandarin Chinese class to help establish a group in the area.
I'll keep you updated on the progress.
__________
Surrender [Passive Aggressive]
"Funny how the news can hollow out
And tell a different story,
Funny how a day can turn around,
In another world
I would awake
Into another morning,
In another place I will begin.
And all that I hope for is
Some day I will be free,
And all that I hope for is
One day I will forgive me,
Unless we surrender.
Just to follow you- to call it love
Was everything made easy,
All the faces you and I assumed,
In principle I do believe in
Mother Nature healing what has been,
In principle I do believe it
In between the waking and a dream."
Long story short, life was good, got engaged, planned a wedding, booked a romantic honeymoon, broke up, went through hell, panic attack, hospitalized, therapy, medicine, friend got sick, other friend died, more therapy... life, someone has it out for me.
Dario Zack makes me smile.
__________
(June 01, 2010)
A good day.
I took my girlfriend to one of my favorite places, we sat by the river, explored the waterfall and watched the sunset ... it was a good day.
__________
(April 08, 2010)
Spring is here!
And I couldn't be much happier for it!
let's see... I've been drinking a lot of loose leaf tea lately, I've kind of renewed my love of it, and in the process have taken interest in Chinese (Mandarin more specifically), so I've been casually learning the language, although more actively learning French.
I've read a few good books lately, "For All The Tea In China" and "War and Peace", my next read will be "Three Years Wanderings in the Northern Provinces of China" and "茶經" (chájīng, or "Tea Classic") just to go along with my little Chinese kick I've been on ^_^
My girlfriend is moving here in just under a month and I'm renovating the apartment that she will be living in... it's tough work balancing my secular job and this, I must admit sometimes I feel the work I do goes unnoticed :\ But hopefully JH will bless me for the effort that I've taken.
I'm going on a 3 day ocean fishing trip at the end of this month, which should be fun.
Oh yeah, and I've been doing alot of bread baking lately, I feel it's an art that isn't really appreciated in the US. Maybe I can make it popular again ;)
__________
(March 07, 2010)
I work at a bank... a BANK!!!
So- a has changed recently in my life- about a month ago I started working at a local credit union- to be honest I was really worried I wouldn't like it because I'm terrible with math, the branch where I started was really busy and chaotic- but I still liked the work, the hours were weird though- but then after 3 weeks they transfered me to a new branch where I could get better hours- it's very very quiet here, but I love it! I get time to think, study, research stuff online! It's great!!! So that is my new job. I'm a banker!
__________
(November 20, 2009)
Nothing to see here
Well, I'm on my own, I couldn't go back to work again, it had been too long since my boss could last afford to pay me so I quit and started working for myself, so far I've had work thanks to my brother but we'll see what the coming weeks bring.
I've been doing a bit of investing in the meantime, hopefully I'll see a decent return on my investments by the time I get married.
On that note, I regret waiting as long as I have.
__________
(October 04, 2009)
From the breakwater
I don't think I told you, we (N.O. and I) went to Gloucester a while back to go fishing, the waves were huge (I must admit it's kind of humbling to stand before the power of nature), it was an impressive sight. We didn't catch anything, but as you may know, I love Gloucester so I was happy just to be there, it's where many of my childhood vacations were spent. We discovered the bio-luminescence in Folly Cove, that was pretty cool, I've never seen it (apart from pictures) before! All-in-all it was a good time.
I also haven't told you that I sold my car, financially that has helped me but it isn't easy being without your own means of transportation. I'll survive.
So as for work, not really sure that painting is my thing, I don't mind it, and I'm actually good at it... but I'm just not sure it's my thing. So on that note, I started studying for my A+ certification, I know it's not necessary to get a decent job in the IT field, but I don't think it will hurt.
__________
I watched the sun rise over the ocean.
4am... it was cold, very very cold, but Nathan and I survived to be rewarded with one of JH's most beautiful gifts- the sunrise.
__________
It's true...
Nobody knows me at all.
__________
EXCEPT
Cassandra :)
Think I've found our wedding song.
__________
(October 03, 2009)
Sleep tonight
I don't want to sleep tonight.
__________
(September 11, 2009)
The world spins madly on
I've been doing quite a bit of ocean fishing for striped bass lately, thanks to my friend Nathan, waiting for the fall striper to arrive, as they migrate down south, caught my biggest fish yet on Wednesday.
Also I've been learning french more actively than before, I listen to audio lessons at night with the lights off so I can focus on what I'm learning and nothing else, it seems to sink in better that way... c'est magnifique!
I've had so many car bills lately that I've decided to sell my car, life is hard :( But JH will bless my efforts, despite it all, every day brings me closer to where I want to be.
I'll leave you with some music.
__________
(August 01, 2009)
Flowers? ... FLOWERS!!!
Have I mentioned I love macro mode on my camera? I went to Huntington today to go fly fishing... the river was flooding because of the rain, it looked like a wonderful day to fish though... I arrived early while the morning sun was still shining through the mist, rising from the ground and floating eerily and still above the fast moving water... no bites, but it was still very relaxing... so I feel like I've accomplished something in my trip out there ^_^ The end of the road where people generally park was flooded completely... I had no choice but to roll up my pants and wade out there to get to my second fishing spot! I didn't catch anything... again... well, that's a lie actually... I figured out how to catch baby trout (about 1" long) with my hands... it's all about the spacing of the fingers ^_^ I leave you with these (the first one wasn't actually taken today... or IN Huntington... I've just been meaning to post it!)
__________
Quit job... went on vacation :)
Life can't get much better than this :) J/K ... well, I quit Staples, had my last day, and went on vacation with some friends to Gloucester, MA... it was great! Between snorkeling, catching crabs and *attempting* to catch lobster... having a fire on the beach late at night, with fireworks in the distance and meeting Adam Sandler the vacation couldn't have been much better. I'll leave you with this picture I took.
__________
(July 03, 2009)
Tea!!! <3
I've watched you like a falcon from a distance as you passed,
then swooped down to be nearer to the traces of your footsteps
to pick the fallen grain from the dirt beneath the crooked grass,
I'm gonna take that grain and I'm gonna crush it all together
into the flour of a bread as small and simple and sincere
as when the dryness and the rain finally drink from one another
the gentle cup of mutual surrender tears." - mewithoutYou
Click on the images to enlarge.
I ordered tea from serendipiTea the other day, I'd like to give them a good review for just a moment, great tea and the price isn't really bad for the quality, the lotus green tea (to the left) has an intoxicating aroma that I think is up there with chamomile and lavender for it's soothing quality and sweet undertones, the mugicha (to the right) is an old stand-bye and a summer favorite, my friend from Japan introduced me to it a few summers back, he said:
"In the summer in Japan, every house has a pitcher of iced mugicha in their fridge."
And once you've had it you'll understand why. Also, I'm thinking about trying THIS RECIPE for breakfast one of these days, looks yummy!!!
__________
(June 24, 2009)
Work, Weight and Classic Literature.
Painting! It's hard work, and I'm very tired... but I need to be a man about it, if I'm to support a wife I need to be a hard worker. I'm not sure if I'm going to quit Staples... YET... but I have my letter of resignation already written... I'm just waiting so as not to rush into anything.
I seem to be putting on a few pounds... I guess that means I'm getting old :-/ Anyway, I've started doing sit-ups to lose the belly :)
On another note, if I haven't already posted this- I've finally got around to reading War and Peace... not done yet, but it's a great book. I've also been reading Longfellow... intriguing.
__________
In case you've been wondering...
What the top ten musicians/bands are that I'm always talking about... not necessarily in order.
I've been working around (it's like sleeping around... just more faithful), helping people out with odd jobs here and there... v remember that post a ways down at the bottom of this blog? v Yeah, well I still work in retail... and I still hate it. What makes me really sad is that many of the people there are so degraded by the environment and the people they deal with every day that they will never have the confidence to just try something new... there are people I can see spending the rest of their lives in dead end jobs that pay very little :'( I'm not one of them... I will have a good job, and most likely at some point run my own business... I wont let this world drag me down.
__________
The way things have fallen
I've taken up fly fishing, it's a great sport- it keeps my mind more active (something I need having A.D.D) but at the same time I can enjoy the peace and tranquility of nature. I've spent some time in Canada recently, I like long car rides- they get me thoughtful. The day after I got home we drove to Rhode Island in the middle of the night just to watch the sunrise over the ocean- there were deer tracks on the beach, and a seal came to visit us on the peer. The sunrise was beautiful BTW.
I'll be visiting Cassandra soon, I wonder if we'll meet our goals? I think we will, but thinking is easier than doing. I will fish the river behind her home and if I catch anything I'll make her dinner for when she gets back from work. Let's hope I catch something ^_^
__________
(April 11, 2009)
P90X, Crepes, Bread and Life Changes...
Oh my! So I'm thinking about starting P90X again or joining a gym... I just don't know if I want to spend the money on a gym or the TIME on P90X, somebody has to give me a swift kick in the right direction!
I made pancakes and then crepes and I must say that I'm better at making crepes and I like them more anyway! Maple syrup is expensive so I tapped two maple trees about 3 weeks ago and over 2 weeks managed to make about a gallon of maple syrup, but then lost the desire to make crepes immediately afterward! So i've got alot of syrup just sitting around :)
After the recent memorial of Jesus' death and the unleavened loaves, I've had bread on the brain, so today I made some bread (still am making it actually, the leaven is rising as we speak)... it looks so delicious and I can't wait to eat some tonight with dinner!
Also Cassandra and I have been talking about how long we've been dating, and how we want to get married, so we've come up with a plan, hopefully if all goes right we won't be dating for too much longer! To the future... and beyond!
__________
(March 30, 2009)
Depressed...
I dunno, I just feel down these days- maybe because I haven't seen my girlfriend in almost 1/2 a year, maybe because I want to be... someone, maybe... someone important? I want to make a difference, and I just make a ripple that doesn't amount to much.
I need to be somewhere and I can't seem to get there... my life is plagued with questions, like when will I be married? I've been dating for too long. When will I feel satisfied with my accomplishments? Will I ever be happy with what I have? Will I ever live a more simple life... and would I be happy with that?
Anywho... I think too much, let's listen to some music!
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(March 13, 2009)
7th Time is the Charm
There has been a lot of controversy over Microsoft's newest OS: Windows 7, one big complaint I've heard is that it's supposed to be a more user friendly version of vista and the UI is so different that anyone switching directly from XP to 7 will be disoriented and have a hard time finding anything.
I think this is a spooty reason to not like 7, it's IMHO Microsoft's best OS to date- sure there is a learning curve... hardly something to complain about when you think of all the great benefits you'll gain over XP and Vista- it's much faster, doesn't crash (even though it's still beta!), looks elegant and stylish (easily customizable), toolbar has a unique approach to open windows and such (better than mac? Yes.), it's secure... did I mention it's fast?
And if you're going to complain about how the UI is different and things are hard to find maybe you should try the search feature in the start menu, it's fast and you can find just about anything!
The point is, don't knock it before you try it- I've fallen in love with Windows all over again, 7 is my new favorite OS.
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(February 27, 2009)
Tea and Pancakes!
I've been eating pancakes almost every day for about a month now... I go on these little tangents every once in awhile! Blueberry, buttermilk, banana... it's all good! I just now am mastering the art of NOT burning them, haha! Next step will be to make crapes!
On the other hand, I miss the good ol' days of steeping my longjing ( 龍井茶 ) gongfu cha style! I still have my yixing pots and a few gaiwans, maybe this spring I'll buy the first flush and indulge after living off of way too many bagged teas!
P90X is going alright, I got pretty horribly sick for about a weak and wasn't able to eat a bite of food for 3 days and lost some of the weight that I put on but I'm getting back into a pattern of working out and eating lots of food again! I went to a gym for the first time the other day... it wasn't as scary as I thought... I don't know what I was expecting but I was alittle intimidated by the thought of going to one... that's one more fear I can X off my list, there is one in-between work and my house... I'm thinking about joining, that way I can get a quick workout on my way home from work... we'll see how that turns out.
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(February 03, 2009)
Just keep pressing play
I'm on week two of the P90X program, but I'm only considering it week 1 because the first week was more of an experiment to see if I could do it and to tweak the program for better weight gain.
So in just these two weeks I've noticed a visible difference in my size and have gained a lot of weight (more than I thought possible). The results are great, it's a tough workout (my whole body hurts! haha!)... definitely harder than any workout I've ever done.
My favorite part about it is that I can feel and see real results without having to pay for a gym membership or suffer the embarrassment of working out in front of others.
Time for another workout! :)
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(January 25, 2009)
p90x
I just started the P90X program... I used the hour long 'stretch x' dvd for 3 days before I started (wanted to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself ^_^) and surprisingly to myself, I gained about 4" of reach. The program is very intense at an hour/day, 7 days a week, for 90 days... but I am modifying it a little to get where I want.
My goal is to get in shape and gain 30lbs (putting me at 150lbs)... I'm not as interested in physique as I am just getting in decent shape and gaining some weight. So I am eliminating plyometrics (it would burn too many calories for me to keep up with in my persuit) for all but 1 workout a month. I will use this extra day to do stretch x.
When it comes to diet I keep hearing that I need to follow the diet plan to a T... unfortunately that isn't going to happen, I am a very busy person who doesn't know how to cook and on top of that I'm broke, haha! But what I will say is that I am following the IDEA behind the diet... the first phase is a very healthy, high protein diet, so that's what I am eating, not the same food on the meal plan, but the same idea is there. I working at taking in about 2500 to 3000 calories/day.
The first workout KICKED MY BUTT, I can barely type my arms are so tired! And it was a CHEST AND BACK workout, lol! Where they were doing 25/30 reps, I was struggling with 1/2... pathetic... but I'm looking forward to getting healthier and having the workouts become alittle easier and more rewarding as I see the fruit of my labor.
I DO have a day one picture... but it's embarrassing how weak I am!... I tell you what, I'll make a deal with you... if I finish the 90 day program, I'll post it on the website with the day 90 picture for comparison. ^_^
Oh my! So I'm thinking about starting P90X again or joining a gym... I just don't know if I want to spend the money on a gym or the TIME on P90X, somebody has to give me a swift kick in the right direction!
There has been a lot of controversy over Microsoft's newest OS: Windows 7, one big complaint I've heard is that it's supposed to be a more user friendly version of vista and the UI is so different that anyone switching directly from XP to 7 will be disoriented and have a hard time finding anything.
I've been eating pancakes almost every day for about a month now... I go on these little tangents every once in awhile! Blueberry, buttermilk, banana... it's all good! I just now am mastering the art of NOT burning them, haha! Next step will be to make crapes!
